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it is well known that i do not smile without a reason. i’m just not one of those people that goes around smiling because i’m awake and the sun is shining and all that stuff. skipping the whole life story bit, not-smiling is how i’ve dealt with pretty much everything that’s ever happened… and i’m going to keep doing that.
i also do not believe in engaging in small talk for the sake of small talk, because it all feels disingenuous. i can get that people will say “what’s up?”/”nothing” and be done with it as a form of greeting, but it still bugs me most of the time. i don’t ask people questions i don’t actually care to hear the answer to, up to and including “what’s up.” if i’ve asked you then good, it’s because i care and want to hear about your day. but if not, then nothing personal but i just feel that you’re not one of those few people i want telling me what’s going on in their life.
i don’t know what it is, really… what it is about language that just rubs me the wrong way. in the future, people won’t be using the phrases we use to show how cool/fresh/solid/awesome/bad/gnarly/dope/phire/hep something is, but i’d still like to think that if someone asks a question, it deserves to be answered truthfully— unless we’re talking fate of the world kinda stuff, and unless this is a meeting between people in a position to politic. i’m constantly annoyed by someone’s tried-and-true method of greeting me, to the point that i will tell them to find another way to greet me. despite their explanation of attempting to gauge mood and condition, i find myself annoyed by a greeting that doesn’t change, language that doesn’t change. again, it always seems disingenuous to me. i’d rather my mood and condition be read of the answer to the question i was asked. it’s why i greet people in different ways and will not say hello to someone unless i know i’m approaching them from an angle i didn’t approach them for a while.
also, this shit with the there/they’re/it’s/its/were/we’re/all other variants has to end. like, seriously, learn the goddamned rules for apostrophes, contractions, and pronouns. there not that hard to remember.
actually, i started typing this because i have been in a rather thoughtful mood for a while… and being in thoughtful moods make me less smiley. some people say i’m not myself; i say i’m more the myself i know when i’m withdrawn and thinking about something, but perception is what it is. if any of my recent text posts have been any clue, i’ve been thinking about my music and my skill, or lack thereof, and what i need to do to move further, and this and that. it’s so distressing to listen to music that has little artistic value, club songs with a single beat and a single instrument, maybe 2 if you’re working with a big name, and they are more well known than songs with… more artistic value. and no, it’s not arbitrary. there is nobody on this earth that will convince me that Crank Dat is more than an experiment aimed at pissing me off.
there are things going on that have been slowing down my productivity… some good, most eh. taking on a little responsibility at TKD to help teach one of the kids’ classes almost completely closes out my thursdays. my jeep’s been down for a while and the shop’s being really dodgy about keeping in touch so i’m going to ride the bike down to see what’s what, make sure they don’t try to jab me with a $2k bill storage fee when they never talked to me. of course, that puts my money situation in a nice bind, and i don’t enjoy retail enough to stay late. rather, if i could lower my hours and still get paid enough to barely do the things i want to do, then i would. as it is, the days’ activities leave me a bit physically and mentally tired, and i’m always falling asleep at the laptop. unfortunately, the hour or two i catch at the desk don’t count towards the night’s rest… if i wake up at 12, i can’t stay up till 4 and still get my customary 5 hours without some serious issues.
of course, one of the things i want to do more of is music. i have a 5-string contrabass just sitting here, staring longingly at me. i’m trying to work these commissions but my brain just keeps shutting down because i’m tired and a little more than a little stressed all the time because of the perpetual cycles. there are things i need to start, things i need to finish, and people i need to pay. i can’t do any of it asleep.
i’m pretty sure people will tell me that being so without sleep that you begin to hallucinate isn’t healthy, but until the earth slows its rotation and stops shaving milliseconds off the clock each year, i’ve gotta find a way to get everything done to make myself happy. it’s the difference between existing and living; i’m a big fan of living.
besides, the last hallucinations i had were pretty awesome and i wouldn’t mind visiting the spiral clocktower again.
i am x’s lack of coherence.
sorry for the lack of updates. i’m trying to be better.
